As the smoke clears....

Good news!

Last week, I remembered for the first time in I don't know how long what it feels like to just be. To just go about my day, do what I do, and just live in those moments. Most of the time, especially at work, I'm just running out the clock until my next cigarette. I would probably smoke all day long if my lungs could take it. I've never been a chain smoker. I might get through one and a half, and feel "full." But most of my day just feels like keeping myself busy, getting as much done as I can, until I can smoke again. Until Tuesday. I didn't think about cigarettes at all. As the day progressed, I only noticed what time it was and how many cigarettes I hadn't smoked, followed by a very satisfying feeling of not wanting one (not just "not yet" but "not at all").
I've considered quitting before, because I generally feel lousy when I smoke. With the flick of the lighter, and the first inhale comes this Debby Downer sensation that just says, "damn it" in a very disappointed tone. And I am disappointed. I disappoint myself every time I smoke. I've never been the smoker that blows smoke in anyone's face, or smokes wherever I feel like without asking if anyone minds. I don't even like pictures of me if I'm holding a cigarette in them. In a way, I hide my smoking. I've never been proud of it. Feeling like I can do whatever I want wherever I want, without shame is something I'm holding onto to keep on keepin' on without cigarettes. This progressing satisfaction feels familiar, and it's giving me hope that I have the strength and willpower to never smoke a single cigarette ever again. I've felt this feeling before....

Once upon a time, I smoked meth. Overall, I smoked for about three months. It started as a party thing, twice or so a month. Then it was a weekend thing, which progressed into an every other day thing. Which is a lot considering that the high can last eighteen hours. I lost twenty pounds. I failed a drug test and it ruined my career in the Marine Corps. I got to see the look on my parents' faces when they could see that I was killing myself. One day, I looked at my naked body in the mirror after showering. It took maybe thirty seconds before I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I called a friend over, he saw the environment I was living in, and we packed up my shit and left. Over the next month, he fed me, sheltered me, and loved me. He told me if I ever smoked meth again, I couldn't be in his life. I haven't touched it in three years. It's easy to quit something that causes so much damage to your life. I became happier and happier the longer I went without it. My curves came back, my stress went away, and every day the sun shone brighter than the last.

Why do something that doesn't make you happy? I look at pictures of myself then and I'm disgusted with how I look. I'm disgusted with myself that I let it happen, that I did it to myself, that I chose to hurt myself. To this day, there are some places I don't like visiting or even passing by, because I associate them with that time in my life. I don't hang out with the same people. As much damage as it caused, I know everything happens for a reason. I appreciate my curves now that I know what I look like when I'm unhealthily thin. Everyday life bullshit doesn't get me down the way it used to, because no matter how bad things get, I know they'll never be that bad again, and they'll never be as bad as they could be had I continued. I don't know where I would be if it weren't for my friend. I know he will always be a part of my life, no matter how far away, or how frequently we see each other, I know we'll still love each other when we're old and grey.

Today is the one week mark that I haven't smoked a cigarette. And I'm feeling great. I'm planning grocery store trips to eat healthier, I've discussed revisiting P90X with my boyfriend. Maybe cutting out fast food, soda and candy is too much to add on top of quitting smoking. Maybe it's a lot of pressure. But I don't feel it yet. I feel really fucking great about it. Why not overhaul all my unhealthy habits? Why not now? I've learned from experience that talking about things doesn't necessarily make them happen. I've learned how to make shit happen. There is no try: do or do not.

I've never known anyone to be this far gone, nor did I ever act like this myself, but here's a prime example of a tweaker, and why no one should ever think about touching meth:

S is for Sociopath

Smoke breaks

I had a sociopathic moment yesterday. I was at school, sitting by myself outside, "smoking" my e-cig, on my phone, while everyone else was smoking their real cigs. A girl, seemingly new, sat next to me on the curb and said, "I don't think I've met you yet, but I saw you sitting over here all by yourself and thought I'd come over." I paused, trying to make a genuine-looking smile, and said, "I usually sit by myself," which was followed by a brief, awkward staring contest.

[Insert facepalm here]

She looked confused for a second, then asked if I wanted to be left alone, to which I awkwardly replied "yes, please" and "thank you, though" to try to put out the bitchy flames I had just scorched her with.

Whatever the mood is that people are in when they feel like saying things such as, "Hi, it's nice to meet you," or any other kind of reaction to a new person is the exact opposite of how I felt in that moment.
I always sit by myself when I smoke, no matter where I am. I'm around people all day. My smoke breaks are my alone time. Sometimes I feel social and will join in the smoker circle, but it's rare. Thinking about it, I never really liked smoking with other people, even when I started. I started smoking when I was in the Marine Corps, I had a bunch of shit going on, and it was all I could do to keep myself from having a mental breakdown at my desk. Chief Warrant Officers don't give a shit about Lance Corporals' life crises. What's more, smoke breaks were my only breaks. I couldn't just take a walk outside around the building or anything. I saw all the smokers leaving whenever they wanted, and they'd just bullshit outside for fifteen minutes. I found a way to skate through smoking. It's hard to convey the atmosphere of an office with three marines, all of different ranks, and their desks stuffed inside it for eight to eighteen hours a day. I was stuck with what were essentially my two bosses all day every day. Who wouldn't want a break every ten minutes?
So when someone tries to take away my me time, I suppose I might come across as antisocial. It's hard to determine if I would have reacted differently if I were smoking a real cigarette. Would I have been happier and more friendly, or at least given her my name? [insert a babble about alternate universes here]

Now that the sun is coming out, I'm still going to go outside for ten minutes at a time during the same time I would normally smoke a cigarette. Ten to thirty minutes of sun, three times a week, is supposed to add years to your life or something. Maybe if I stand in the sun long enough, I'll gain back the years I've lost by smoking.

Weekend Weakness

I'm guessing I smoked about ten cigarettes over the weekend. Most of them were on Saturday, because I had a particularly worse day. I picked up an electronic cigarette, which my boyfriend advocated. It definitely helped, especially while at work. I tend to smoke more at the bar than I do when I'm working for my mom, going to school, or on my days off.

What is an Electronic Cigarette? How Does it Work?

Wikipedia has some information on e-cigs here. They're basically a vaporizer that simulates smoking; there are two parts: the cartridge and the battery. Some are single-use (once the battery dies, it's done), and some are rechargeable. Solid information on whether they actually help smokers quit is hard to find. I think they're more helpful to the psychological addiction rather than the nicotine addiction; some e-cigs have nicotine, some don't. It seems to satisfy the oral fixation just as chewing gum or a toothpick. I have a few friends who have tried them, and the reviews are mixed about how well they work. I think since I haven't been smoking for as long as some, an e-cig might work better for me than for someone who has smoked for 10+ years.
I have a Logic brand, which come in regular and menthol. I think it's a much better alternative to chewing gum, even sugar free, or eating. My main concern with quitting smoking is weight gain, so I'm gonna try to avoid that as much as possible.

WebMd has a short article on smoking and weight gain here. Next step is to find some good recipes for smoking-alternative snacks.

Hard Reality as Motivation: Effects of Smoking

Day Two: three cigarettes

Yesterday, I mentioned that smoking can cause cervical cancer when combined with HPV. Today, I'm doing research on how smoking effects different organs, and how deadly it can be when combined with certain ailments. Findings will be posted later.

Right now, I have to take a moment to be happy, at the risk of over-sharing personal information. I received a letter from the clinic I went to a couple weeks ago for my annual pap smear. Although I was confident I wouldn't get a call about the STD tests results, I was sure I'd get a letter, much like letters in the past, with the box next to "abnormal cells" checked, HPV written in the "possible cause" line, followed by a recommendation for a colposcopy appointment. Twice I've received this kind of letter, and the first time, I did get a colposcopy, which confirmed HPV. The second time, I didn't bother, because I figure cutting pieces out of my cervix, causing scar tissue, isn't going to make anything any better.
Third time's a charm, I suppose, because everything came back normal. Doctors at multiple clinics and hospitals over the years have told me that pap smears have only recently become standard annual exams for women twenty-one and over. This is because younger women were getting "abnormal" results, which became normal within five years. I don't know if it's just the body maturing or they really did have HPV and it went away (doing research on HPV, many sources have claimed that a good portion of people in their late teens to early twenties get rid of it within five to ten years on their own). Even the CDC states that "In most cases, HPV goes away by itself."
In researching HPV, I also found that there a many different types of the virus, about forty of which infect the genitals. Interestingly, these same strains can infect the mouth and throat, which is where smoking comes back around. The same CDC page states that 1,700 women in the U.S. get oropharyngeal cancer each year (6,700 men), and that smoking as well as HPV contribute to these numbers.

So now that I'm virus-free, all I have to do is quit smoking to keep myself from adding to these numbers.

As if I need more reason to quit:

I don't know much about my family history. I know my great uncle died of lung cancer when he hadn't smoked a day in his life. I'm sure it was from asbestos and lead-based paint from the work that he did. The only things I really feel I have to worry about come from the side of my family that I took the most DNA from: my mother's. Dementia, skin cancer, and polycythemia all run in her family. I don't think I can do much about the dementia or the skin cancer. I love the sun too much to avoid it. But being at risk of developing polycythemia should be enough to motivate anyone to quit smoking. This blood disorder thickens the blood, increasing risk of stroke, peptic ulcers, and gout; my grandmother has had three strokes within five years due to her condition. With smoking shitting on the blood vessels already, I'm pretty much asking for polycythemia, and blood clots. And a shitty death.

The more I look, the more reasons I find to stay away from cigarettes. Cold hard facts like these are much more effective than tactics I saw in school, in the D.A.R.E. program. Maybe they were just too cheesy, maybe I was too spacey to pay attention, but I don't remember anything about real life medical problems. What's cancer to a ten year old? Maybe having real life shit happen to me, or my friends or family, makes it more real. It's not something that happens to other people in another reality, far far away.

How to Win at Quitting (a smoker's guide)

How to quit smoking, no matter why you started...

I don't do New Year's resolutions. I don't heed advice about what's good and bad for me. I might do exactly what I'm told not to, if only for the experience of doing it myself. Despite what I was told, I started smoking cigarettes. I've been smoking for almost three years now, and fast approaching is the point of no return. Or at least the point where quitting's level of difficulty multiplies by a thousand fold each year.
In the last three years, I've ceased all exercise, but have maintained, even improved on, decent eating habits. Being a statistic is my last choice. I don't want to get cancer. I don't want to gain two hundred pounds and become diabetic or have hypertension or anything else. And I don't want to be featured in a diet plan when I lose that two hundred pounds, turning a new leaf, and adopting a health-conscious lifestyle. I want to beat the odds and live forever, most importantly, in a healthy body.

HPV, Cancer, and Me

Most personal to me, I don't want to develop cancer. I was diagnosed with HPV in 2010, and my doctor told me the only thing that I could do to not aggravate it was to stop smoking. I've recently met a woman diagnosed with cervical cancer, from having HPV, who still smokes. Meeting a statistic gave me quite a reality check. If I do develop cervical cancer, I don't want it to be because of my idiocy. I want to do what I can to prevent it, and if not smoking is the only thing I can do, there's no reason not to.

Failure is not an option

I don't have a solid plan of attack, but I know how to make goals and make shit happen. I'm a former US Marine, I'm a gogo dancer, a full-time student and a Burner. I've conquered things other people couldn't dream of battling. I know I can win this. I'm just not sure what the best strategy is...

This is the documentation of my first real effort to quit smoking. I'll do research, try alternatives, and I hope to replace smoking with the good stuff I used to do and the better stuff I find in the next four weeks.

Today is Day One, and I've smoked four cigarettes. I usually smoke five to eight a day. My first goal is to smoke only three a day for the first week. I'll make a new goal every day. My midterm goal is to not smoke any cigarettes the entirety of week four. Ready? Go.

Some great inspiration to start with