S is for Sociopath

Smoke breaks

I had a sociopathic moment yesterday. I was at school, sitting by myself outside, "smoking" my e-cig, on my phone, while everyone else was smoking their real cigs. A girl, seemingly new, sat next to me on the curb and said, "I don't think I've met you yet, but I saw you sitting over here all by yourself and thought I'd come over." I paused, trying to make a genuine-looking smile, and said, "I usually sit by myself," which was followed by a brief, awkward staring contest.

[Insert facepalm here]

She looked confused for a second, then asked if I wanted to be left alone, to which I awkwardly replied "yes, please" and "thank you, though" to try to put out the bitchy flames I had just scorched her with.

Whatever the mood is that people are in when they feel like saying things such as, "Hi, it's nice to meet you," or any other kind of reaction to a new person is the exact opposite of how I felt in that moment.
I always sit by myself when I smoke, no matter where I am. I'm around people all day. My smoke breaks are my alone time. Sometimes I feel social and will join in the smoker circle, but it's rare. Thinking about it, I never really liked smoking with other people, even when I started. I started smoking when I was in the Marine Corps, I had a bunch of shit going on, and it was all I could do to keep myself from having a mental breakdown at my desk. Chief Warrant Officers don't give a shit about Lance Corporals' life crises. What's more, smoke breaks were my only breaks. I couldn't just take a walk outside around the building or anything. I saw all the smokers leaving whenever they wanted, and they'd just bullshit outside for fifteen minutes. I found a way to skate through smoking. It's hard to convey the atmosphere of an office with three marines, all of different ranks, and their desks stuffed inside it for eight to eighteen hours a day. I was stuck with what were essentially my two bosses all day every day. Who wouldn't want a break every ten minutes?
So when someone tries to take away my me time, I suppose I might come across as antisocial. It's hard to determine if I would have reacted differently if I were smoking a real cigarette. Would I have been happier and more friendly, or at least given her my name? [insert a babble about alternate universes here]

Now that the sun is coming out, I'm still going to go outside for ten minutes at a time during the same time I would normally smoke a cigarette. Ten to thirty minutes of sun, three times a week, is supposed to add years to your life or something. Maybe if I stand in the sun long enough, I'll gain back the years I've lost by smoking.